Worth Saving
by Zonoma
Summary: [AU] In the aftermath of the Killik crisis in TJK, the Jedi must each rediscover what is Worth Saving. Reviews appreciated. [Jaina, Kyp, Zekk, Jacen, Jag, Alema, OCs & cameos]
1. Chapter 1: Cold Winds Blow

**Chapter 1: Cold Winds, Blow**

I felt their approach to my office long before they even turned the corner and opened the inner doors for them. I had been anticipating their visit for no small while now but was unsure what their choice would be. I rather expected them to ask to leave together and never return, something I dearly hoped they would not do. I was about to find out, though.

I heard them enter and looked up to find Zekk and Jaina standing respectfully, stances alike, waiting for my acknowledgement. Nodding for them to sit, I asked what I might do for them. I put on my "Master" face and waited for them to tell me what was troubling them. I didn't have to wait long.

"We wish to leave."

My heart sank as low as I thought it possibly could at Zekk's statement. They had chosen then, and it took all of my Jedi training not to plead with my niece and her, well, and Zekk… something that I knew they would not understand in their current state.

"You are not a prisoner here. Why are you asking?"

"We wish to leave the Order," Jaina clarified.

I was wrong. _Now_ my heart was in my boots.

"We? As in Jaina Solo and Jedi Zekk? Or 'we' as in JainaTaat and ZekkTaat?" An unfair question, I know, but I needed to hear their reasoning. If it was as I feared then there was no point in trying to stop them from leaving our lives forever, as painful as that would be. They merely shrugged.

"We are-"

"-what we are."

"And why do 'we' wish to leave?" I pressed. They turned first to one another and then to me and I was careful to hide the shiver I felt at their movements that so precisely mirrored one another. Even now, a month after their return from Taat, they still moved as one. It was discouraging to watch these two slide further down that path even as the other Joiners showed signs of improvement. I was very much afraid that we reached them too late and their choice seemed to confirm my fears, at least on the surface.

Together they began, "It is-"

"-_difficult_," Zekk finished. After a moment they lowered their eyes and he continued. "We feel everything Jaina feels and it is _uncomfortable_ for us. We are never alone."

I sat back, stunned and trying very hard not to show it. _He is referring to Jaina's feelings for Jag!_ I tried to imagine myself having to experience Mara's feelings for a lover every minute of every day. I couldn't even bring myself to face the thought. I realized that Jaina was continuing their speech, following them was confusing at times.

"But we are lonely."

"We are part of each other," this from Zekk's mouth.

"But we are not whole," Jaina said mournfully.

"_We__ wish our freedom_," they said together with a conviction that truly surprised me.

"But we must leave to learn how again. It is too hard here." They looked intently at me as Jaina concluded their explanation.

I knew, of course, that there was more to it. No one in the Temple was comfortable with them with the possible exceptions of my son (not something Mara and I were thrilled about, I assure you) and Jacen and they knew it. We all tried to understand, though, for their sakes. None of this mattered then, however. My relief was so great that, despite the seriousness of the situation, I could have laughed out loud. _They want to leave separately!_ That was better than I hoped for.

"Permission denied." I said, very firmly.

As they both narrowed their eyes in identical expressions of outrage, I did laugh. It was probably a bad idea since it only angered them further but I didn't care. While Joiners made me uncomfortable, I had more than enough experience with rebellious teenagers to make the rest of this a walk in the park. That they were somewhat older now made no difference to me. Grinning, I told them that I had missions for both of them and sat back in my chair to await their response.

They cocked their head at an unnatural angle and clicked in the backs of their throats, I assume communicating with one another, before responding thoughtfully.

"We would be apart? And away? But still part of the Temple Hive."

Their choice of words in that last statement made my stomach sour but I merely nodded at them.

"We accept."

"Good." I said with a genuinely cheerful smile on my face before getting down to business.

Somewhat more seriously I turned to my lost niece. "Jaina, you will go to Zonama Sekot and work with the Chiss. You will help them uncover the deceptions of the Dark Nest and allow them to see that not all Joiners are to be hated and feared and that, perhaps, there is still hope for their lost ones. Jaina," I said this gently and made sure she understood, "Jag will be there, too."

They sat back, silent, save for the clicking they didn't even seem to be aware of. It was clear that they did not expect this assignment and were not happy with it. Finally they spoke with Zekk's voice.

"We are pleased to see Jag again but we do not trust the other Chiss. We fear for our," Zekk paused and said with no small effort, "_her_ safety."

"She will be under the guardianship of Sekot itself and I am sending Kyp with her as well. You need not fear for her safety."

"When do we," she swallowed, "_I_ leave?"

Jaina hadn't made me privy to her fears since the war and for her to show any sign of fear now made me believe that she was terrified. Surely not of the Chiss, though? Probably the stress of being away from Zekk.

"Tomorrow morning."

Turning to Zekk, I experienced another moment of doubt about the mission I was about to burden this young Jedi with. I just didn't have many choices in the matter at hand.

"Alema can still be saved."

Zekk merely nodded but Jaina's eyes snapped back up like she had been struck. "We are not interested in suicide missions!" That was encouraging. They very rarely acted out of sync. I focused on Zekk as he began to speak again.

"We are not sure we are strong enough." It was a simple statement and chilling in what it implied. "We are very lonely. We despair of never being alone again. We despair of losing Jaina forever. We despair of falling again because the Dark Nest _will_ accept us."

As I regarded this broken young man before me I wondered at the capriciousness of the Force because I knew that _he_ was Alema's only chance. And, by the same token, she was his chance at healing completely. Force knows that if anyone deserved healing, it would be Zekk. I just wish he would realize it.

"Your heart is stronger than you know, Zekk. Your doubt is all that clouds your judgment." Softer, I added, "I know that the shadow still calls but you can be a light against the darkness, Zekk. You will be whole someday."

* * *

I stood at a respectful distance, watching the scene unfold before me. Kyp was packing up the last of their things in his ship _Goddess_, trying very hard to give them some privacy while Zekk and Jaina "said" goodbye. It occurred to me that this mission would be straining for Kyp, too. He and Jaina had become very close in the last years of the war and he loved her fiery temper and independent mood swings. I know he missed their talks. I also knew that, while it was a lot to ask of Kyp, he could do it. Jaina's friendship had changed him from the angry young man he once was to a confident, smiling adult. Oh, he still has a twisted sense of humor but then, so does Han. With that I returned my attention to Zekk and Jaina. 

There were no words to be heard but the tears in Jaina's eyes as she caressed his forearm lightly, and then his face, spoke volumes. The way Zekk's eyes closed at her touch was quiet poetry. I lingered, enjoying the bittersweet moment because I was beginning to understand the courage this single act of separation required of them. It was clear that they were loathe to leave one another and I couldn't imagine the price they would pay to achieve their freedom once more, if it was even possible. They are stronger than many know but this trial will be harder than anything they have ever faced and they know it. I was beginning to know, too, and I could only stand amazed. Eventually Zekk bent down and gave Jaina a chaste kiss on her forehead and stepped backward. In a low voice he began to sing.

_The cold wind carries us far from our nest,_

_The cold wind sweeps us where it may._

_Cold wind, bear us out of danger,_

_Cold wind, carry us home again._

A chill ran down my spine as Jaina's voice joined his before turning abruptly and striding up the ramp of the awaiting vessel. Just like that, she was gone. I couldn't help but hope, again, that I had done the right thing. This felt right, though, and I had to trust that.

* * *

Zekk left early the next morning alone and without incident. I know Jacen offered to go with him. I encouraged him to accept the help and take a starfighter as well but, in the end, Zekk refused both. His only companion was _San-__ah_, his seedship from Zonama Sekot. She was a marvelous creature with beautiful red and earth-tone swirls on her hull-skin and I worried for her but I trusted Zekk's judgment in this. I had to. This was his destiny, not mine. 

_

* * *

_

_The Killik Traveling Song is quoted from Troy Denning's The Joiner King_.


	2. Chapter 2: Remembering A Friend

**Chapter 2:** **Remembering A Friend **

I watched from the shadows as he left the hanger following Jaina's departure. His boots echoed down the corridors and he looked very much like a man with a purpose. In fact, as I followed him I was reminded of that day so many years ago when the Darkest Knight, defeated by love, was determined to save us all from a doomed Temple Praxium on Yavin IV.

As soon as he reached his quarters Zekk hit the door activation panel and stumbled into the meditation chamber like a blind man. He did not bother with the lights and seemed oblivious to my presence as I slipped in behind him. Instead, he settled into a neutral stance with his back to me and his arms loose at his sides. I studied this man whom I had come to consider my brother in silence, hesitant to break into his meditations but not willing to leave him alone just yet.

"What are you doing here, Jacen?"

I smiled and wondered how long he had been aware of me. It was easy to underestimate Zekk, particularly since he was so humble about his abilities.

"_San-Ah_ is worried and I am, too. I am here to help you." I could feel the conflict within my friend. Zekk came here to hide his pain and I was intruding. We both knew that his ship's worry was just an excuse. "I _can_ help. I can be what you need when the pain begins in earnest."

Zekk chuckled bitterly. "We wonder what you mean by 'begins in earnest.' We are dying already, Jacen."

As ludicrous as his claim sounded, I believed it. That was why I was here. "When they move into hyperspace she will be outside normal time and space. You cannot cross with her."

Zekk hung his head and answered in a hoarse voice, "We know." After a moment spent composing himself he turned, allowing me to see his eyes bright with tears and unashamed. "Jaina is scared, but she doesn't know how to _be_ scared, not like this. She has locked herself in her cabin to hide her fear from Kyp. How can you help us?"

"I cannot help 'us', Zekk, I can only help _you_."

Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and concentrated. My time with the Fallanassi was cut short by my choice to answer Raynar's call but I still learned something of Force illusions while I was there. Unfortunately, it would still require time to build a convincing illusion of utter silence around these rooms and Kyp would be nearing the exit vector any moment. Several moments later I opened my eyes, satisfied with my creation. Focusing on Zekk, I spoke.

"You are my brother, Zekk. In this room you may vent your feelings safely and without judgment or recrimination. You may weep, you may rage, you may maim. Nothing will escape these walls while I live and breathe."

I looked to make sure he understood that, if he fell, I would not allow _him_ to escape and vent his rage elsewhere. I found more than understanding in Zekk's eyes, I found gratitude. We both stood in silent vigil, waiting for the inevitable.

Two things happened at once. The Jaina corner of my mind wailed in despair and, before me, Zekk screamed out in agony. I staggered to my knees beneath the weight of the psychic assault, barely able to maintain the illusion of quietude and peace. Abruptly, it was over. Jaina was gone, their connection severed by the wilds of space and time. Zekk hit the ground with a sickening thud.

Checking to make sure that my illusion was firmly in place, I shook my head to clear it and began to crawl to Zekk's prone form, cursing all the way. In fact, my father would have no doubt been proud of my muttered rant. I _warned_ him not to keep it all in and now I was afraid of what cutting their connection like that had cost him. Zekk stared up at me with vacant eyes. I couldn't feel him in the Force but I could feel his life's pulse, almost like Vong sense. I raised my hand to his head and recoiled. Zekk wasn't on any plane that I could readily reach. I almost lost the illusion and called out for my uncle but was stopped by a subtle tug at my mind. _San-Ah_ had a suggestion.

I did the only logical thing possible and followed the seedship's advice. I opened up everything I was to Zekk through the Taat bond that people sometimes forget we share. We became JacenTaat. We were ZekkTaat. We remembered to breathe for ZekkTaat during the physical shock of the separation while his mind struggled to reassert itself even that much. We sat and we waited for ZekkTaat to catch up with us and we hoped that he would hurry. It was _disagreeable_ to desire JainaTaat _or_ Jaina Solo this way.

Zekk opened his eyes and looked around. He didn't know where he was, but the sunlit room felt familiar. He sensed someone behind him and turned to see a woman gracefully performing katas with a reverse grip lightsaber that tickled his memory. He was mirroring her movements almost as gracefully. Shrugging, he acknowledged this as a dream and continued.

"Do I know you?"

The woman spared him a glance of her bright blue eyes. "I should know who you know better than you know?"

Zekk had expected that answer somehow.

"I think I know you," Zekk ventured, "Why are you here?"

"That question is very similar to your previous question in most respects."

Zekk grimaced and muttered, "Now I _know_ I know you."

A smile tugged at her soft lips as she stepped out of the form to watch Zekk. It only mildly surprised him that he knew how to continue it without her guidance. It felt as natural as breathing. He also knew that, no matter what, he could not stop because, because,

"The mind is much larger and more complex than I give it credit for."

She nodded in approval. "The student remembers."

"That is why I can _think_, I mean without Taat, just _me_ right now. The motion of the kata, it focuses me and keeps me anchored here, in this place."

This earned him an eyebrow raised over a pair of serious blue eyes. "The student learns."

Zekk looked at her, annoyed and exhausted. "Look, it has been a _very_ long few years, okay? Can we skip the games?"

Both fiery eyebrows lowered dangerously as she replied, "Who said I was playing, Zekk? Wake up."

Zekk awoke with a gasp and struggled to sit up. I gently withdrew from his mind, wondering very much where he had been but not about to intrude on his solitude. He paid too dearly for it. He looked at me, still in the grips of lonely despair, and I helped him to the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Dazed, Zekk muttered nonsensically. "We, I, remembered someone- only I have forgotten again."

But he did use the pronoun 'I'. It was something.

We sat in silence the rest of the night until his departure the next morning. I think he knew that he could reach me, should he need me. I also think he recognized the need to do this alone. Perhaps someday I will know why.


	3. Chapter 3: For Jaina's Sake

**Chapter 3: For Jaina's Sake**

I have seen and done many disturbing things in my life, but at the moment they all pale in comparison to what lies before me. I only agreed to escort Jaina to Zonama Sekot because Jacen made it clear that I was her last best hope of surviving the initial separation in hyperspace. The moment is fast approaching, but I can't seem to clear my head of the last 36 hours and open her door.

I can see him even now, half hidden in the shadows, watching his sister and Zekk. Jacen is an enigma. A pariah. He is very powerful and very disciplined -- and yet he worries me. It seems to me that his five-year absence was, in fact, a search for omnipotence. I doubt he even realizes the danger he is skirting, but trust me when I say, "Jacen is in trouble." I mean, who else do we know who was vaguely omnipotent? Yeah, see what I mean?

Lost in thought, trying to give Jaina some semblance of the privacy she did not ask for, I came down the ramp to get the last load of supplies. Jacen caught my eye and smiled knowingly. I couldn't help myself; I shivered. I also remembered our conversation the night before in my apartments where he had shown up, unannounced, just as I fell asleep. I grimaced as I lifted the heavy box of protein bars. I was trying to _forget_ that conversation! After all, it's not as if someone walks up to me every day and tells me to have casual sex with his sister.

No, not casual. Nothing about Jacen strikes me as casual anymore. It is dangerous to underestimate him. The carefree boy I used to entertain is gone, eroded away into the stoic apparition who visited me last night.

* * *

I rose to answer the door in my sleep pants, irritated because my bare feet were slapping across the cold stone floor instead of in my warm bunk where they belonged, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I was therefore not impressed to find Jacen Solo standing there, patiently waiting for me.

I stared at him for moment before saying in my flattest voice, "Jacen," hoping he would take the hint. _Humph_. No such luck for me.

"Kyp," he said with a nod, "may I come in?"

I heaved a dramatic sigh and raised my eyes to the ceiling before shutting them. I began to recite.

"Yes, Jaina is your only sister. Yes, she is vulnerable right now. No, I will not hurt her, harm her, or deceive her in any way, shape, or form. If I do any of the aforementioned things, you will hunt me down and eviscerate me. Slowly and painfully." Pausing in my monologue, I opened my eyes and looked down at Jacen. "Now, if I have covered everything to your satisfaction, I was sleeping."

I tried to close my door, firmly, in Jacen's face but found that it would not budge. Jacen just looked at me with that insufferably calm expression -- I swear he is sometimes worse than Skywalker _ever_ was -- and continued to maintain his Force grip on my door.

"Not to your satisfaction, then, I take it. Please, won't you join me for a night cap?" My sarcasm earned me nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

"No, thank you. Sit down."

Sitting was easier than arguing, and less arguing meant more sleeping. I sat.

"You were right about Jaina being 'vulnerable' right now."

"Good!" I started to rise, having no desire to listen to another lecture about keeping Jaina safe. As if anyone could. "Now we can all get some sleep. If you wouldn't mind?" Jacen actually almost smiled for some reason.

"I think you may be –surprised- at what I have to say, Kyp. Now sit back down and listen. This is important." He stood before me like a lecturing professor, or Leia in a snit, and I groaned inwardly.

"Jaina may be 'vulnerable' right now, but much of her frailty is physiological, not psychological. During Jaina's time with the Taat, they actually rewired her brain somehow." Jacen began to speak more to himself than me, biting his lower lip in a gesture reminiscent of his sister. "I think it has something to do with the membrosia, despite Cilghal's pheromone theory. Breaking all contact with the other Joiners, Zekk especially, will have physical repercussions."

I ran my hand over my face again as Jacen's words tried to work their way through my sleepy mind.

"I don't understand, then. Why am I going? Why not Cilghal?"

Jacen waved a hand impatiently in my direction. "Jaina won't need a healer, Kyp. She will need you."

Okay, if I wasn't confused before, I sure as Hells was at this point. Jacen must have sensed this because he came to sit next to me on the couch, suddenly focused again.

"The best thing we have to wean her from Taat's presence is a Force bond, like my aunt and uncle have." Jacen looked intently at me before continuing. I found his scrutiny unsettling.

"You could have that with her, you know. You have been flirting with a full Force bond since Borleias." Jacen continued to stare at me with that peculiar look on his face. I was obviously missing something important here.

"A Force bond eliminates any and _all_ barriers, Kyp." Something about the way he said that …

Oh. Oh _no_. He could not be serious. I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Get some help, Jacen. That is just Sith."

Raising his eyebrow again, Jacen's only reply was, "What's the matter, Kyp? Is my sister that unattractive?"

When I could speak again, the only words I could find were, "You _are_ serious, aren't you?"

"You understand, then?"

"I – ye – _NO!_" I leapt up and began to back away from him. "No, I _don't_ understand! What about your bond? You are twins! Surely you can help her through this better than I can."

As Jacen answered, a whisper of sadness crossed behind his eyes. "We are shutting down tomorrow as you leave. Our bond is… tainted…by Taat. She will not even have that to lean on. She will be alone, if you allow it."

I knew his honesty was probably meant to be conciliatory and reassuring, but I was beginning to feel trapped.

"I don't care! I can't just have, just have" -- Kriff! I couldn't even _say_ it! -- "I can't do _that_ with _Jaina_! And right now? How is that any different from telling me to rape your sister, Jacen? Oh, _FORCE!_" I collapsed into the only other chair in the room and, after a silent moment, I collected myself and managed to whisper, "I think you should go now."

"She will die, Kyp."

I shook my head. "There has to be another way."

"Perhaps," he gathered his robes and rose. Though I could not look at him, I could hear the pity in his voice as he spoke- and the warning. "but there will come a time when you must be willing to choose and act. Be prepared."

Jacen left without another word. I didn't sleep that night.

* * *

I had the _Goddess_ almost fully provisioned when Jaina and Zekk came to the hangar. I was almost done with my checklists when a tentative caress on my mind pulled me out of my brooding. Jaina was aboard and wished to be alone for a little bit.

She was heavily shielded, but her direct "touch" gave me a moment's insight into her fear at being alone and her determination not to show it. I guess goddesses don't ever really learn how to be afraid the right way, do they? I allowed her some privacy as we lifted off but began the preparations necessary in the cockpit for my droid to take us into hyperspace. No way was I going to let Jaina alone _then_, not after my talk with her brother last night. She could just deal with it.

As we drew closer to our departure vector, the tension became more and more palpable. With one last look at my jump calculations and instructions to R6 to check on us in an hour, I rose and made my way back to the guest cabin.

So I find myself here, rooted in place in the corridor, putting off the inevitable. I am not sure what I fear, except maybe myself. Actually, I am probably wise to fear myself. I cannot live with another wrong choice. One more thing to haunt me might drive me insane. Especially if the one I hurt is Jaina. The ship would enter hyperspace in three minutes, though, and there was no going back now. Gathering my courage, I palmed the door to enter.

Of _course_ she has locked me out. This is Jaina _I-will-do-it-my-way-or-not-at-all_ Solo. The girl is too brave for her own good, always had been. Probably always would be. Sighing in frustration, I raised my voice.

"Jaina! Open the door."

"Go away, Kyp."

"Come on -- we both know you're going to need help."

"I'll be fine. I just need to be alone. That's what we're trying to do, remember?"

"That's funny. I thought you were trying to remember how to be a goddess instead of a bug."

_Oops. I think she's mad now._

The door flew open far faster than the servos were designed to move it, and before me stood a wild-eyed Jaina. I threw up my hands in apology. "You don't have to do this alone. That's why I'm here, remember?"

"You, you…"

As she stood there sputtering and struggling to find something appropriately vile to call me, which should have been easy considering her extensive vocabulary, I realized how much I missed this side of her.

"…scruffy…"

I laughed.

_"nerfherder!"_

"Really, Jaina, I'm disappointed. Is that the best you can..."

Shaking my head to clear the spots, I looked up, about to give Jaina an earful for using the Force like that and lost all thought for a moment at the sight of her limp, still form. She wasn't even breathing. That's when it registered: we were in hyperspace now. We were out of time.

Picking myself up from the crumpled heap I had landed in, I staggered to Jaina and remembered Jacen's words. _Choose and act._ Reaching for Jaina, I chose.


	4. Chapter 4: In the Heart of the Goddess

**Chapter 4: In the Heart of the Goddess**  


I was terrified.

Jaina still wasn't breathing and I couldn't sense even a glimmer of her through our rusty bond. _How in space did we end up here? _Her pulse was nonexistent. _Oh yeah, it was your brother's fault._

I tried to stop a grimace at the thoughts that paraded across my mind, courtesy of Jacen Sithly Solo, as I lowered my head to hers. _This is CPR. This is CPR. This is CPR._ There was a time when I would have given anything for this opportunity. I would have loved to tell Jaina that I kissed her to save her life! But this was different. This was her dying for real.

It was the briefest of moments, it was eternity. There was no "electric spark" like in the fairy tales that I used to read to Jaina as a little girl. _Um, ew. _Blow the air in. _That was a thought I didn't need.._. And push. _How many years ago was that?_ And two._ Too many. _And three. _Please don't let him be right._ Four. And blow. And push.

"Come on, Jaina!"

Two.

"_Fine!_ Have it your own way!"

And three.

"Do you know what Jacen suggested" –four- "I do to you to MAKE you live?"

And blow. And push. And still. No. Response. And blow. And – _kriff it!_ - kiss.

I'm afraid that my kiss was that of a desperate man, scared to lose the last thing he truly held dear. That is to say: it was somewhat _harsh_; and a little violent as I pulled her dead weight into my arms, attempting to shield her from whatever unknown danger was assaulting her.

It was horrible… like kissing a corpse.

Then she shivered. _Oh no. Oh no. _And gasped for air. _She's never going to believe me._ She groaned as I began to pull away._ I am a vaping dead man._ And then she pulled me down to kiss her again. Hard.

_He was a weak-kneed fool, he couldn't lose anyone else. Just the thought of his friend going away was enough to make him feel as if he was sliced open and gutted from the inside... Out of the depths of his confusion and despair, this kiss released him in a way he never dreamed possible. He was soaring without wings. He was alive. He was free. He was desperately in love. He was kissing the man who frustrated the hell out of him._

_Huh?_ I mentally shook my head.

_I am kissing Jagged Fel._

I nearly dropped her right then and there. Instead, I steeled myself. Reliving Jaina's memory was unpleasant for me but I couldn't just rip myself from her mind right now without risking injury to her. I found that I could, however, just play the role of Jag in this memory to keep her going. If that is the case, though, then perhaps this memory is what is sustaining her will to live without connection to the hive mind?

It made sense, in a twisted sort of way, to me. If it were true, though, then that would make Jacen right, from a certain point of view. I _hate_ that.

I am strong but as she moved her hands down my chest and then to my stomach with determination that was pure _Jaina_, I found my mind and consciousness being slowly and inexorably swallowed by hers once more. I was slipping back into her memory. Jaina has always been strong, too. My body was betraying me, caught up in _her_ desire. _Her_ hunger gnaws at me and I know, without a doubt, that whatever happened in this barren room with Jag was nothing so chaste as a simple kiss.

Jacen may have been right but here, in the heart of the _Goddess_, everything was wrong.

I released Jaina's lips and, drawing a long ragged breath, began to untangle myself from her embrace. Gathering her suddenly still form close to my chest, I crossed the cabin to the small utilitarian bunk and laid her gently down. _I can't do this._ I was numb with the implications of the choice before me.

Choose and act. _Curse you, Jacen Solo._

Her mind was still uncontrolled, more open to me than ever before –grasping, clawing, begging me to stay. She cried out for me not to leave her alone, as so many others in her life. It was heart wrenching to see these inner demons. I sat on the cold floor beside Jaina's bunk, careful to keep my hands to myself, and despaired to see her breathing become slower and slower and to hear the pleas of her mind become increasing desperate and panicked. She didn't even know who I was. I think she thought I was Jag, though in truth she could have believed I was Zekk or even someone completely different for all I knew. All that mattered was that I could save her, I knew that now. But at what price? Saving Jaina this way would destroy her.

Choose and act._ Damn you to all Nine Hells!_

I would not rape my friend, no matter the costs. I couldn't. Not even to save her life. Even taking advantage of this bond that she so freely offered right now was rape of a different sort. Perhaps worse. If I – did what Jacen said - I could only affect her body; she is strong and would likely never forgive me, but she would survive. But a Force bond without her lucid approval? We would be forever connected in a way far more intimate than sex. We would be partners in truth - and she would have no say in the matter. Love has nothing to do with a Force bond, only trust and need. She could never trust me again and the damage would still already be done. She could love Jag for all the worlds and be Bonded to me. She would hate me.

I began to run my hands through my hair, near to tears with insanity, and found that I had pulled fistfuls of it out.

Choose and act._ I will send you to the Force myself, Jacen._

There had to be another way. I sat by helplessly and watched as the rise and fall of her chest stilled. I wanted to close my eyes, to shut away the sight of the only woman in my adult life to show me any sort of love, as she lay dying before me, but I couldn't. My eyes were fixed on her. The way my own shadow fell across her quiet expression, the contours of her cheeks, the turn of her lips. Her hair fell in a halo around face on the pillow, she looked so frail. Jaina should not look frail.

In my mind, I heard one last piteous whimper.

_Noooo!_

I reached forward and snatched her limp hand between mine in an effort to ease her fear. To let her know that she wasn't alone; not in this room, not in this life. She shouldn't have to die this way.

* * *

She woke up crying again from the same nightmare that haunted her since their rescue from Lord Hethrir. Jacen was there in an instant, before she could even call for Mama. She called out anyway. Soon Jacen was tucked back into his own bed while she was encircled in loving arms; a curtain of silken hair fell about her tiny body, holding the evils of the night away from her refuge. 

A familiar, haunting melody began to take shape in the darkness and Jaina was soon fast asleep once more -in Winter's arms.

* * *

Kyp dangled his feet in the cool water lapping gently against the shore of the lake as motes of pollen and dust caught the sunlight reflected on the water, lending a faerie like quality to this perfect day. His uniform was hung neatly beside Zeth's on the camirel tree that stood proudly further up the bank. He and his brother were already risking punishment by skipping classes but if they were to ruin their new uniforms, too? He didn't even want to _think_ about what his Mom would have to say about that! 

He stole a glance at Zeth, who had just finished assembling their flira crab trap and was now hunting for moon frogs to bait it with. Kyp had already caught 5, but 8 or 9 of the pale creatures would be better and attract even more of the tasty crabs. If they caught enough flira crabs then Mom, at least, might forgive them for today. They were her favorite food. And so Kyp hunted. He loved.

* * *

She was 18 on the worldship above Myrkyr. She watched in helpless horror as her baby brother died before her, to save them. She cried, knowing that he loved her, knowing that the wound in his side was her fault. She despaired. She hated.

* * *

He was 8 when he watched the Stormtroopers tear Zeth from his mother's embrace to send to Carida. He was shoved to the ground and held down as they casually knocked her unconscious when she protested. He listened, frightened and confused, as his parents were proclaimed guilty of treason and sedition against the Emperor. He looked on as they hauled his father into the street and publicly whipped him. The warm, sticky blood splattered on his own scared face. 

His father locked eyes with him and refused to make a sound. For him. He noticed, when his father finally passed out, their friends watching silently in the crowd. They watched and did nothing. He saw. He hated.

* * *

She was 8 years old and was allowed no friends. The young, vulnerable daughter of the most influential couple in the galaxy must be kept safe. She had only her brothers, a giant Wookiee, and a fussy protocol droid on which to spend her affections. She accepted. She loved.

* * *

He had no friends. The other prisoners didn't so much as harass him -they didn't dare. At the tender age of nine, his parents were dead and he was still very much a prisoner of the spice mines on Kessel for crimes he never committed and didn't understand. One of the guards approached Kyp as he exited the transfer cart and laid his large, meaty hand on Kyp's skinny shoulder possessively. 

He shuddered and prayed that Smegus wouldn't be in a bad mood as they "talked" today.

He accepted. He lived.

* * *

I awoke many memories later, curled up protectively around Jaina's small -_breathing_- body. Waking was a slightly embarrassing moment, as she was nestled into my chest, with her back fitted against my stomach and, well, it was embarrassing. At least we were fully clothed. 

I began to rise from the bunk carefully so as not to disturb her, cringing as she stirred and snuggled closer. _Stang!_ For a moment, keeping very still, all I could think of was that I hoped she didn't notice how _alert_ I was. I didn't know quite what to expect, but I was fairly certain it would not be a polite, "Thank you for Bonding with me and saving my life, Kyp."

_What have I done? _She will consider what I have done rape; not of her body, but of her soul. Having experienced both, this is worse. _What choice did I have?_

She was awake and trying hard to hide it from me. I don't think that will ever possible between us again. Hiding anything, that is. She must have come to the same conclusion.

"Get out," she whispered hoarsely, her eyes still closed.

"Jaina…" Still on the bed beside her, I silently begged her to understand.

"Get _OUT!_"


	5. Chapter 5: Going Forward

**Chapter 5: Going Forward**

Low guard into kneeling high block. Back leg to forward sweep and rise.

_She_ was there again. He stole a glance at her, noting the watchful and composed presence. There was an inherent peace about her, but a paradoxical urgency hummed in the air around them.

"Good. You are here, time is growing short."

"Wha… ?" He began to pause for a moment to address her face to face.

"Fifth form! Second kata!" She barked.

Zekk obeyed, reversing his peculiar saber to adapt to the form she called for. "Who are you?"

"Who are _you_?" without waiting for an answer, she continued, "We are running out of time, Zekk. Are you ready?"

Zekk knew that this was what he had been anticipating, dreading. He watched as a door appeared in the wall before him, dark and uninviting, and fought the urge to be suddenly and violently sick. Whatever was beyond that door was nothing he wanted to be part of.

_She_ raised one graceful arm and silently pointed the way.

Zekk remained focused on the door as he used to motion of the kata to move him forward.

"Leave your weapons behind you and do not hesitate."

Dropping his lightsaber-

* * *

-he was running as fast as he could but he was too late. He knew this as surely as he knew his own name.

"Mom! Dad!"

Nothing moved, except the carrion birds that had been feasting on the remains of _something_ behind what was left of the house. He wasn't worried, though, he knew where his parents were. No koha bird's razor beak would reach them there. He just hoped he could.

"Mom!" Here. They were here. Somewhere. Zekk sobbed. How would he ever get to them? He hadn't even recognized the shed that had buried them after the groundshake.

He small hands were bruised and bleeding from digging through the wreckage and dragging pieces of wall and roof away. The dirt mixed with his blood to form muddy bandages and seal the splinters in his palms. He couldn't see through his tears but he knew they were _here_.

Through his blurred vision, he saw what he was looking for. A thin lock of raven hair, gray with dust, lay beneath the flattened power converter that he had just tossed aside.

_"Don't leave me!"_

Zekk couldn't stop the tears or the fear that stole his breath. The roof had fallen in on her and, in Zekk's mind, all he could see was her smile and kind brown eyes as she let him have a lymon cake before the midday meal they would take to the field. Her glossy hair was tied back and only a few wisps escaped here and there, framing her face like a halo.

He scratched through the dirt and debris like an animal until the mud turned ominously dark and a tang assaulted his nostrils. Looking at his hands, he realized that it was no longer _his_ blood that he was seeing. The mud was dark with it. Stumbling back in horror, Zekk lost his footing and fell. Darkness encompassed him.

* * *

Even the recognizable smells of a medical station could not erase the ashen scent of death from his nostrils. People were dead. More were still dying. He wanted desperately to be one of them but it was too late. They had left him behind.

"That's a nasty bump on your head there," the voice filtered into his consciousness and he kept his eyes closed, willing the intruder away.

"Are you awake, Son?"

Zekk bristled. "I am not your son."

"Well then, let's find your parents."

"Why? They left me." Zekk opened his eyes. "I hate them." Though he was staring at the ceiling, he saw the look of pity cross the old man's face and hated him, too.

"Don't worry, we'll find them. They might even be here."

"You don't get it, do you? They are _dead_." It seemed the old man didn't have much to say to this for a while. Somehow the old man's silence felt like a victory to Zekk.

* * *

Protein bars. Again. Zekk fought to swallow past the vile tasting lump in his throat as he stared at his "meal," still unwrapped, and shuffled his way away from the rations line. He swallowed again, if his mother had been here she would have made sure that he had a hot meal and a bath before bed. Zekk wiped his nose on his sleeve before wrinkling it in disgust. A bath smelled like a good idea, too.

In the 3 months that Zekk had been at the Haven for Displaced Children, the food had become scarcer and scarcer. More and more abandoned and orphaned children were found wandering the rubble of Ennth's metro centers, where it was whispered that hunger and disease ran rampant with the exploding rodent populations. It seemed that for every lucky child that was discovered and claimed by surviving family members, there were three more brought in, destitute and haunted. As a result, all of the older, healthier children were on strict rations. Sometimes not everyone got to eat.

"Whad do ya mean you're _out_?" a small, shrill voice demanded.

Zekk quickly stashed his bar beneath his tunic and began to hurry. It wouldn't be smart to be caught here when it started. Food riots were becoming common place, too. The atmosphere was growing more heated and turbulent by the moment. He risked a look backwards and was shoved violently to the ground as the word began to spread and others began to stampede the rations counter, refusing to believe that there was no food left.

Throwing up his hands in a vain effort to protect himself, he began to rise only to be thrown down again. Pain. In the panic and confusion that followed, he stumbled through following his instincts. Minutes later he was regurgitated into the clear area of the hold. When Zekk realized he had escaped the monster of many heads, he almost collapsed in relief.

Instead, he found himself pushed to the ground again. A girl who was a few years older than him, and a lot bigger, reached her hands out and began to pat him down, pawing at his tunic. Crying out in triumph, she pulled out his protein bar and hungrily ripped it open. Without taking her eyes off of him, she retreated to the outside wall of the cargo hold turned cafeteria and leaned against the ventilation shaft to feast on her prize. Zekk could do nothing but watch as she finished the last of the crumbs.

This proved too much and Zekk began to whimper as he fought the pain in his arm and the gnawing in his stomach.

Brushing herself off after leaning against the dirty wall, she spoke, "Oh Gods! Don't be such a crybaby." Rolling her eyes, she looked at him again.

"Look, kid, it's obvious that you don't know how to be an orphan so I am going to offer you some advice.

Your _Mommy_ isn't here anymore to protect you. If you want something, then you have to take it.

And, kid? That arm looks bad. You should see a medic," she shrugged. "At least you will get some meals guaranteed for a few days.

Better luck next time."

She winked and sauntered off, leaving Zekk to stare after her as he cradled his broken arm.

* * *

Zekk found himself kneeling in the "End" position of his kata. Struggling to draw in ragged breaths, he raised his wild eyes to _her_.

"Why?" he gasped.

"Sometimes, the only way to go forward is back."

"But why _this_? Why bring this up now?"

She considered for moment before asking, "Who are you?"

Drawing his eyebrows down in confusion and irritation, he answered, "I am Zekk."

"Indeed. And are you any different now than before?"

"No. My past does not define who I am, neither," he glared at her, "do my fears."

"Are you certain of that?"

Zekk stiffened, "I am a Jedi."

_"I am a Jedi."_ Blue eyes mocked. "That has offered many before you less protection than you may claim. Self-knowledge is better than a title. Knowing your fears can make you strong."

"Brakiss once said something similar to me."

She snorted indelicately. "_Brakiss._ Brakiss was a fool who believed that your fears _make you strong_ in and of themselves. I do not believe that is what I said."

* * *

My dreams were more and more frequent, as was this sudden need for more sleep. I sat up and soothed my seedship partner. She was worried about me, apparently something in my dreams this cycle disturbed her but I couldn't get a clear picture of what. These dreams were so… elusive.

Stumbling into the galley for some caff, I asked _San-Ah_ where we were, relative to Kr. Having a living ship definitely has its advantages. I had slept longer than I thought and we were to come out of hyperspace in twenty standard hours, roughly. I still hadn't figured out how I was going to get to _Alema_ through AlemaGorog, though. Or shield my intentions from the Gorog hive mind. Trying to focus on the problem at hand, my mind wandered back to the tantalizing dreams.

I like her.

"What was that?" I could have sworn that _San-Ah_ was becoming more and more articulate through this voyage. It was unsettling and reassuring at the same time. She helped to fill the emptiness inside that was Jaina and Taat. And it is a good thing, too, I might have been driven mad without her companionship in lieu of the others.

She is nice.

"Who is nice, _San-Ah_?" I was genuinely confused.

The woman you sleep with now.

I sat there dumb founded for a moment as I felt the color slowly rise to my cheeks and stay there, burning. That time I woke up with Jaina beside me in nothing but her smallclothes had been …interesting. The dreams it inspired were somewhat _heated_.

The fact that Jaina knows of these through our bond is bad enough, but she accepts it with good humor and teases me wickedly while we are alone. I had even caught her dreaming something similar once, though she tried to blame her dreams on my bad influence. Now, to have my voyeuristic seedship peeking into my subconscious and witnessing something as intimate as that… well, I wasn't sure I liked that at all.

_San-Ah's_ laughter tinkled through my mind like the wind chimes Jaina kept outside her room on Yavin during our youth. A gift from me.

Not Jaina! The other one. Still laughing, she drifted away maintaining only the lightest of touches to keep me company and, no doubt, to keep me sane in the emptiness of space.

_San-Ah_ either couldn't, or wouldn't, tell me more about this _woman_ no matter how I bribed, threatened, or cajoled.


	6. Chapter 6: Til Death do us Part

Links to artwork can be given upon request.

OooooooOooooooO

Previously in Chapter 4:

_She was awake and trying hard to hide it from me. I don't think that will ever possible between us again. Hiding anything, that is. She must have come to the same conclusion._

_"Get out," she whispered hoarsely, her eyes still closed._

_"Jaina…" Still on the bed beside her, I silently begged her to understand. _

_"Get OUT!"

* * *

_

**Chapter 6: Til Death Do Us Part**

_Just go. Help me. Too many. Go away. Please stay. Go away. Leave me alone. Oh Force! Why is this happening now? Go. Get out. Go. Just breathe, Jaina. Breathe. In. Out. That's right. Why do these things ever happen? Why won't you leave me alone? I want to be alone. You've never been alone. Liar! I need to be alone. You're scared to be alone. Just go away. Please?_

My first instinct was the desire to stuff my fingers in my ears and try to block the assault of Jaina's frenzied thoughts on my unsuspecting brain. If this was a Force bond, then the Jedi could _have_ it! Instead, I made myself listen to her rantings in hopes of finding the key to her condition in them. It didn't take long to realize that she wasn't terribly coherent right now. _Not coherent? No, she is mad_. Then, preparing for the worst, I took a deep breath, locked my arms around her, and whispered, "no," emphasizing it in her mind, as well.

Jaina immediately went still, her mind a tangled web of nervous energy. She became, in the passing of a second, a wild thing trapped within the confines of my arms. I suddenly doubted, as the Force began to crackle around her, that my arms would be enough to hold her.

_Smart, Kyp, real smart. Time for Plan B._

There was no graceful or simple way to disentangle myself from Jaina, but I managed to do it quickly and with a minimum of – ah – embarrassing contact. I felt my face burning none the less as I stood beside her bunk, pondering my next words. I couldn't leave her here like this, I just couldn't. She wasn't herself.

The swirling eddies of Force energy around her didn't stop after I moved, but they took on a more regular pattern. I wondered idly whether this was a by product of our newly minted Bond or some other symptom of the duress she was under. I have heard that Healers often see these "Force Patterns" and some of the more intuitive Masters, but let's face it. I destroy, I don't Heal. I break things, not fix them. I don't say this to be self deprecating, but rather to acknowledge my place in the Force.

I am the blister that tells you need a new pair of boots, to speak plainly. Nothing less, and nothing more. We all have our roles to play.

I suddenly understood my role with Jaina a little bit better. Jacen would be proud of me. So would Master Skywalker. I _hate_ that!

In order to make up for my "pleasing Master Skywalker" slip, I used a casual display of Force power that I _know_ he would have frowned on and floated the bedding off of the top bunk to the decking of the _Goddess_. Then, I chose my words with care.

"I am not going anywhere, Jaina. No, don't go crazy on me. I am not leaving this room, you can't make me."

She sat up and turned to me, staring, as the vortexes of power sped up around her.

_Okay, so maybe that wasn't the "care" I should take in choosing words when dealing with Jaina Solo. She can deal with it, though._

"Oh don't bother getting up. I am not sharing your bed again, _Goddess_. This mortal will lay down here on the floor, where I can keep my eyes on you. You've already tried to die on me once, today, and I don't want you trying that again. I won't always be around to save your life, you know." I suddenly realized that I was shaking my finger at her just like Han used to do to me and quickly snatched my hand out of the air.

Silence and the Leia Glare of Doom. Good thing that the vaping Empire didn't know about the Leia Glare of Doom. They would have turned it to evil long ago. Too bad that Jaina, apparently, did know about it. That look should be a Force skill.

"This silent game isn't working, Jaina. I've been playing it since before you were born."

She regarded me blankly before rolling over and pulling the coverlet from the foot of her bunk to her.

"You have an ego the size of the Death Star, Kyp, to think that you are always an acceptable alternative to Death."

Some seconds later, I remembered to close my mouth. She thought she was serious. I could _feel_ the conviction coursing through her. It stung.

"I just," I stopped, at a loss, "I just needed to know you were okay."

"Not everything is about you, Kyp. I'm not okay, I don't think I ever will be again."

She didn't say anything else, falling asleep quickly. I didn't say anything, either. What could I say?

While she sleeps, I keep vigil. Slowly, the currents around her dissipate like steam until the only movement that's left is the regular up and down of her chest. She is dreaming, I know, but I am trying to be a gentleman and not peek. Besides, I am not sure I want to know.

It is cold on this vaping wall, distracted by nothing more than the hiss of air over her lips and the regular thrum of the hyperdrive, and me with nothing but time to think about what she said. I really need to think about something else, too, because it is starting to make me mad. Not just a little bit, either, but really, really angry. How dare she?

_I saved her life!_ We both know she didn't want to die. That kiss with me/Jag… he better never find out about that, or so help me, I'll… anyway, that is enough to tell me she has something worth living for. Please, let me be right this time.

Apparently, watching a woman's chest heave against the confines of her shirt isn't nearly as exciting as in the books. You know the ones - those smutty holo novels that your girl likes to leave lying around your apartment, turned to the screen of whatever thing she wants to try next? Yeah, those. And yes, I read, don't you?

When I woke up, it was to the sight of an empty bed before me and the ghost of Jaina Solo watching from the opposite corner of her cabin. She obviously changed into thin pants and a small silky top while I was sleeping, presumably sleep clothes for her, but her hair was still a matted mess and her feet were bare on the cold metal decking. These were all secondary observations, though.

What really caught my attention were her eyes. I've never seen eyes so sad, so empty. That's why I call her a ghost, because right now, she is. She is the Ghost of Jaina Solo.

"Do you know how many men live inside my mind right now?"

The look in her eyes was chilling, but I knew she wanted an answer and so tried to run a quick tally as I sat up and faced her on her own level.

"Three?"

"No, Kyp, there is another."

Confused, I answered, "But I already counted myself."

The look in her eyes softened and she reached up and caressed my jaw gently, "Yes, yes, you did."

Then she slapped me.

_That's it!_

"What was that for!" I yelled at her.

She laughed a little too maniacally for my tastes, I like my girls on the sane side, thank you very much.

"That is for getting yourself into this mess with me, Durron!"

I roared back, "I save your life and I get slapped?"

"Yes." She spoke oh so primly, too. I was furious. "If I thought I could get by with slapping you again with this kriffing Bond in place, then I would!"

"I really wish you would try." I growled just under my breath.

"I heard that."

"You were supposed to."

She finally lost some of her composure as she leaned forward, her eyes shining feverishly, "You don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?"

"Don't you know what this makes you?" As I stared at her dumbly, she told me, "It makes you my _slave_, Kyp. My. Slave."

I stiffened.

"I am no one's slave anymore, Jaina. Not even yours."

When she laughed, then only thing that kept me from hitting her was the fact that she was a woman. "Yes, Kyp, you are. You are new to Bonding, but it makes you as much my slave as you have made me yours. Do you like what you see, _Master?_"

I blanched.


End file.
